29 Things I Learned from Watching Film Noir

by: Punchinello, Nov/14/07

I ain't learned much, but what I learned stuck.

1. Don't go to see the boss without putting on your suit jacket and straightening your tie.
2. Always offer a lady a cigarette. Give her the book of matches.
3. Nine AM is a little early to start drinking. One AM isn't too late.
4. Don't wear your war service ribbons inside your suit jacket. Do keep them in your wallet.
5. Don't try to kiss a dame until you've had it up to here with her coy act.
6. Always take a gun when it's offered to you. Even if it isn't loaded, it's always better to have a gun than not to have a gun.
7. Shoot like you mean it.
8. Everybody deserves a little respect. Nobody deserves much.
9. Find dirty ways to fight fair.
10. If it happened in Tijuana, it doesn't count.
11. Friends do friends favors. It's what friends do. Favors aren't things you want to do. That's why they're favors.
12. A little time in stir doesn't mean you're a bad guy.
13. Secretaries aren't "working girls."
14. Ask a dame to sew a button. If she says yes, she's yours. If she can't sew, she's not worth having.
15. Sometimes there's no way to win, but there's always a way to lose more slowly.
16. There's something about Abraham Lincoln's picture that can loosen a guy's tongue.
17. Salvation is a last-minute business.
18. Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put the rubber at the end of pencils.
19. Sometimes it's a fair cop but it's society's fault. Sometimes it's not society's fault. Sometimes it's not even a fair cop.
20. Sometimes you can't do something because it's not right. Sometimes it's because you're yellow.
21. When your head says one thing and your whole life says another, your head always loses.
22. You don't have to be an electrician to put somebody's lights out.
23. People's opinion of you has no cash value.
24. Always buy a nice gift; don't steal it. If you have to, steal the money to pay for it.
25. Sometimes a dollar's worth of booze gets you ten dollar's worth of talk.
26. When your partner is killed, you're supposed to do something about it. It doesn't matter what you thought of him.
27. Everybody has something to conceal.
28. A close-mouthed man generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things.
29. If you ever have to kill somebody, never ever tell a living soul.

Punch Editor, Headmaster - School of Hard Knocks

All Pulp Erotica Editorials:

On Forced Entry (Sep/17/2003)

One Year and Counting (Oct/18/2003)

Hitch's Cock (Dec/13/2003)

Too Helpful (Feb/06/2005)

Year Two in Review (Mar/01/2005)

Punchinello's Inspiration (May/17/2005)

Year Three: Holy Shit Time Flies (Jan/04/2006)

Noir and Pulp (May/07/2006)

Pulp Dereliction (Jun/06/2007)

Also check out How to Write Pulp Erotica.